When Characters Sing Random Things 1: DS9
by Alexander Wright
Summary: A new Dominion weapon threatens the Federation. Hilarity ensues.
1. Chapter 1: The Threat

The station was busy as usual. Merchants were docking, running around, and getting out again. Quark, like always, was swindling some tourists. Chief O'Brien was fixing some faulty replicators - as they were only replicating dead fish. Kira Nerys was being insulted by Kai Winn. Doctor Bashir was calling security on an over-zealous intern. Captain Benjamin Sisko and Jadzia Dax were going over a 1,000,000-page report on an unidentified subspace anomaly. In other words, it was a normal day on Deep Space Nine.

"I didn't know subspace anomaly reports were so long!" Sisko exclaimed. "I mean, the thing's only 5 meters wide, and we get a pile of paperwork 5,000 meters tall!"

"Well, you know Benjamin," the Trill replied. "Paperwork is our business. Why, when the first Trill laid eyes upon the stars, paperwork has only followed-"

"Very funny"

Dax smiled. They continued going over the report for about 5 hours, had a lunch break, and continued for 2 1/2 hours after that.

"Hmmm, hmmm" Jadzia hummed. "Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmmm, hmmm, hmmm, hmm, Hmmmm"

"Jadzia, what that you're humming?"

"Oh, it's just nothing." She replied. "Wait…I don't remember hearing it at all!"

"How does it go?"

"(Ahem.) Won't you take me to, Funky town?" she sang. "Won't you take me to…funky? "

"…" replied Sisko.

"Something like that…." She warily responded. "What's up Benjamin?"

"I think we need to do a scan for any singion particles."

"OK!"

"Errrruh!" the red alert klaxon sounded. "Errrruh! Errrruh!"

"Sounds like a red alert klaxon!" Jadzia jumped.

"Let's get to the bridge...I mean command center!"

--

"Captain!" Major Kira yelled. "We're getting a transmission from a Cardassian battleship-cruiser-thing.

"Patch them in." he commanded quietly.

"This is Weyoun. Ah!" he started. "How are you Captain? And how's Jake doing?"

"Jake's fine." He replied curtly. "But I don't have time to waste talking to you. Now. Get on with whatever you wanted to say"

"My, my, feeling unhappy today, are we?"

"Looking at your face makes me unhappy," Worf mumbled.

"What, did you say something? Weyoun asked. "Anyway; we called to tell you about our new secret weapon. We will use it to destroy your puny Federation. It's called the Singion Destroyer!"

"No!" Sisko cried.

"No!" Jadzia whimpered.

"NO!" Worf roared.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Luke Skywalker cried.

"Hey wait" Worf said. "You're in the wrong show!"

"Oh, sorry." Luke said as he flew away in his X-wing.

Narrator: Anyway, back to our story.

"No" Kira Nerys sighed.

"Yes" Weyoun finally inserted. "Now, you will sing…everything!"

"MOI-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAA!"


	2. Chapter 2: An Unlikely Team

Three days had passed since the Dominion announced its new secret weapon - not much of a secret, really. The Singion Destroyer, of which only one was though to have existed, was now subtly wreaking havoc on Deep Space Nine. Everyone thought it was destroyed in 2354 when Dr. M'Serizawa used it on the Klingon Godzilla; but obviously, it was not.

"Now run a multi-spectral analysis of the shuttle bay," Sisko told Jadzia. "Where are those singions?"

"Singions. What a weird name." Jadzia commented. " Singions, those tiny little singions, where are you? (Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep!) "

A/N: Those are computer sounds, not curse words. Back to the action:

"…" Sisko commented. "Now run a scan of this science station."

"OK!"

"Sisko to the infirmary" the Captain communicated. "Dr. Bashir, you might want to ready the infirmary for karaoke-related injuries."

_" From Russia, with love! "_

"Doctor!"

_" From Russia, with love! "_

The Captain quickly cut the communications to the infirmary.

"What's up Benjamin?" Jadzia ventured.

"It appears that the singions have gotten to the good doctor."

"Oh no, not Julian!"

"Fortunately, even though it seems like Dr. Bashir is our only doctor, we have a bunch of interns who want to learn! And now's the perfect time!"

"Let's call the rest of the officers"

"Sisko to O'Brien!"

_" O Danny boy! "_ sang the chief engineer.

"The singions!" Sisko exclaimed. Jadzia shook her head. "Sisko to Major Kira!"

_" A kiss is just a kiss, a sigh is just a sighhhhhhh!"_

"Sisko to Worf!"

_"A British man is a…"_

Sisko again cut the line.

"This is getting really bad, old man. We need to get down to the promenade…. Old man?"

" In the year 2525,… "

"NOOOOOOOO!" Sisko exclaimed.

The Captain quickly dashed up the stairs to the turbo lift. Ordering it to the promenade, he patiently waited. When he arrived, the noise was unbearable. Everyone was singing whatever happened to come to mind, and even stuff they'd never even heard of! Even this station itself was suffering, because due to O'Brien singing, it was tilting towards the wormhole!" Sisko dropped to his knees and asked a philosophical question:

"What is this madness!?"

"I don't know," a voice replied. "But I think we should get out of here."

The Captain looked up and in front of him stood Ro Lauren, Quark and Rom.

"But why aren't the singions affecting you?"

"In the Maquis, my cell trained to block out the effects of singions. Good thing, too."

The Captain warily eyes Quark and his brother.

"It's our ears." Quark replied.

"Oh"

"Enough talk, we need to get to a runabout!" Ro curtly hurried them.

The unlikely team made their way to the shuttle bay and escaped DS9. The station was still lilting towards the wormhole.


	3. Chapter 3: We are the Champions

"Yes founder," the Jem'Hadar responded. "I will obey."

The Jem'Hadar briskly left the room, leaving the Founder, Weyoun and another Jem'Hadar, in the conference room.

"Now, Weyoun." The Founder spoke. "I want you to ready the Jem'Hadar for the effects of the singion destroyer, just in the infinitesimal chance that the Federation gets one of them and retro-fits it onto their ships; like they always manage do."

"Yes Founder" Weyoun replied.

"Going in to the Alpha Quadrant to threaten the Federation is a mistake that I'm not going to make again."

"Yes Founder"

"Bad mistakes…" she silently mused. " I've made a few! I've had my share of sad kicks in my face, but I'll come through! "

"?...No one would dare to kick the Founder!"

" We are the champions, my friends! (Guitar riffs sound) "

"Why, I am honored to be called friend, Founder...friends?"

" And we'll keep on fighting, till the end! (More guitar riffs) "

Weyoun was thinking1. Why was the Founder singing all of a sudden - hail the Founder - ? No. It cannot be! The singion destroyer is affecting the Founder!

" We are the champions, we are the champions! " she sang on. Deciding it best, Weyoun joined in on we are the champions .

" No time for losers, 'cause we are the champions, of the world… "

_"Of the world?"_ Weyoun thought. _"We are the champions of the galaxy!"_

" I've taken my bows… "

_"The Founder bows to none!"_ scolded Weyoun.

" And my curtain calls… "

_"Curtain…calls?"_ though a confused Weyoun.

A/N: For the rest of this chapter, Weyoun will be the only one thinking2.

" You brought me fame and fortune and everything that goes with it; I thank you all… "

Suddenly, a drunken3 Dumar stumbled in.

_"Oh, goody, the kanar salesman…"_

"And here I was thinking you didn't need us!" Dumar roughly, yet drunkenly, noted. The Founder continued singing without missing a beat.

" But it's been no bed of roses… "

"Bed?" Dumar asked. "This early?"

_"Dumar certainly needs a bed of roses…to get rid of that smell!"_

" No pleasure cruise… "

"You want to go on a what?" Gul Dukat asked, having just walked in.

"Shhhh!" Weyoun hushed. "The Founder is…singing!"

"Oh, goody."

" I consider it a challenge before all hu…shapeshifting race, and I never loose! "

This continued for a few minutes. During the song, it eventually happened that the Founder, Weyoun and Dumar sang the song to its end. Gul Dukat merely stood and shook his head. After wards, the Founder retook control over the situation.

"My ground troops have just informed that the singion device has, unfortunately, (Dukat tries not to smile too much, but fails) looped back onto…us"

"I assure you, Founder, the effects are not permanent." Weyoun chided.

"They had better not," the Founder replied, in her usual tone of voice. "I would like this to remain off the records. (The three others nod their heads) Well, if that's all, I need to plan my next scheme for destroying the Federation!"

Notes:

1. He can do something besides groveling?

2. Yeah, surprising, but not surprising, seeing how the Founder's being affecting by the singions and Dumar is drunk.

3. Drunken, as he always is.


	4. Chapter 4: The Ants Go Marching

The Jem'Hadar know as Rez'Nor walked towards the Dominion Army headquarters for his district. This was his week to have the honor of reporting his district's status to the governor of the region. It was an honor, because that particular governor was called on to visit the revered Founder quite often. If he lived on any other planet, rumors would persist that the Founder was choosing favorites; but undying loyalty was programmed into the Jem'Hadar as a matter of operation, so the rumors were only spread amongst the Vorta. Nobody liked them, either. Not even the Founder herself.

"I am coming to report the status of my district," he told the guard of the governor's office. The guard let him in as soon as he saw his ID card. The governor stood pondering the Founder's odd behavior, but he let his programming take over, and dismissed the thoughts for his undying loyalty when the inexperienced Jem'Hadar walked in.

"First, I come to report the status of my district"

"Report" he replied.

"There have been no crimes in the last week, and the un-employment rate is still the same, due to the fact that enrollment in the army is mandatorial programmed into us."

"Very good, Rez'Nor" the governor replied. "Although, the Founder has reported some problems with an invasion of spike-shelled green ants. We need to remedy this as quickly as possible."

"Loyalty to the Founder is life!" he quoted. "What do you want me to do?"

"Follow me," the First Governor replied. They walked out to where 5,000 Jem'Hadar soldiers stood waiting. The governor walked towards a podium.

"This planet faces an epidemic," he told the stoic, un-reacting men. Jem'Hadar weren't known for scaring easily. "It s a threat even more dangerous than the Goblin Wars last year." Again, even though goblins seem to have cunning, trickery and guile, the Jem'Hadar out do them in all three 100:1.

"Green ants," he continued "With spiky shells are attempting to break into the armory to feed on the dilithium crystals there. Why we keep dilithium in an armory, or even keep it at all, is beyond me."

The soldiers continued standing and listening, listening and standing, totally unfazed by the implications of the warning. The governor continued on, however.

"The ants usually march in two by two, (breaking into song) by two! The ants go marching two by two; by two; by two! "

The entire group - all 5,000 - saw the governor singing and took it as an unspoken order to sing as well (And the singions got to them too).

" The little one stops to drink some Kanar; and they all go marching down, in the ground! "


	5. Chapter 5: More Unlikeliness

Sloan was not a joking man. Whenever he would go on missions, send other people missions, or try (hopelessly) to recruit Dr. Bashir, he would always remain calm, and business-like. Even now, as he was reading a file from an operative on Cardassia, he tried to retain this cool; but even he couldn't resist laughing at the report. The operative seemed to do better as he dictated the report for the recorder. As the report went, though, Sloan definitely noticed times where the operative stifled a laugh or two.

"Computer, open a secure link to sector 7689u6n7598. Transmit on frequency 1.21 terahertz." He commanded. Maybe there was some new information, and if so, he wanted it.

_"This is Cardassian Rook reporting to Kanar Bar"_ the man, a Cardassian, replied using the code-named established at the start of his tenure on Cardassia. _"The…Jem'Hadar have…ha…also been…affected by the singions._

"In what way?" he asked. The transmission was audio, but he could see the operative doubling over, trying not to laugh.

_"They started singing 'The March of the Ants'"_

"Go on"

_"Eventually, they wore off due to the effect of a new load of ketracel white. It was interesting, they were singing, even as they got the stuff. The governor, although he also sang himself, was furious with them."_

"Good. Send the rest of the report to the other transmission buoy. Kanar Bar out."

Sloan went about his regular stuff; sending more people on missions, getting intel on the Ferenginar's first venture in cloaking devices, and trying to recruit Dr. Julian Bashir. He looked at the chronometer. It was about 6 o'clock.

_"Enough time to catch the doctor before he wakes up,"_ he thought.

The doctor's quarters were small, but they were adequate for him. In front of his bed, as always, was a comfortable chair in which Sloan presently sat. Sensing his presence, the doctor sat up and ordered the lights on.

"I assume you're not here because you have a cold," Bashir noted coldly.

"No, doctor, but I do have an interesting proposal."

Bashir only watched him warily, as bad stuff usually happened when this guy showed up.

"I see that you don't have any of your …Hmmmm, what's the word, 'insurances' for when I pay a visit."

"Maybe I do, maybe I don't. Get to your point."

"I have discovered something that might persuade you to join." Sloan said, in a bargaining tone. "Do you know about the singion destroyer?"

"How couldn't I?" he stated. "It affected the entire ship, forced the Captain and others to evacuate to find a way to stop it, and is sent the station on course to fall into the wormhole. I'm just getting over the effects; how could I not know?!"

"Now, now doctor. I have a proposal. Join Section 31, and I'll provide the way to stop the singions, and by extension, the singion destroyer. All you have to do is join us, give us a little information, and we'll have the station running in no time."

"'Information'; you make it sound so nice," He began. "When we all know that 'information' will involve me betraying someone on this station for your precious 'Section 31'. No, I think I'll call security."

"I wouldn't do that." He threatened. "Besides, you know what will happen if you do."

"Sloan! You…traitor!"

"Doctor! Don't say things like that," he replied in the voice he used when trying to seem reasonable. "You've know it all along that you wanted to be a 'secret agent man'; and now I'm giving you that, and a chance to be a hero to all your friends! Who knows, you might even be promoted."

"I won't be a pawn in your twisted game; and I especially won't be your 'secret agent man'! Computer, end program!"

The walls around them vanished. Dr. Bashir's quarters were no more, and they were inside a holosuit. Sloan was strapped to a chair. Odo and Chief O'Brien were also in the room with them.

"Ha! Doctor, are you trying to mock me?" he replied as he apparently bit his tongue.

"It won't work Sloan" he replied. "I had the transporter screen out any poisons secreted in your mouth, and replaced them with pumpkin juice."

"Well, even if you are loyal to a fault, I'll give you one thing" he replied. "You have some weird sense of humor."


End file.
